Last night I was watching Bishop Jakes speaking at Bishop Eddie Long's conference. He got on the topic of how people try to suck up to him. He mentioned that people feel that by being nice to him they really impress him. But what he said those people may not know is that he is always in observe mode, watching how they treat other people they feel are insignificant, people like the waiters, the drivers, the valets, cleaning people etc. He uses this as his bench mark to define a real leader. But didn't he just let out his secret for how people can impress him, which means that people may start to modify their behavior around him with the intentions of still getting close to him? The thing is some people are 'so good' that they feel that they can impress everyone with their synthetic personalities. But a genuine spirit is something people cannot fake. Colloquially speaking, "you either is or you ain't." Just ask a little child and they'll tell you by their actions when someone ain't "for real." Children just seem to know. If a child doesn't like you, you gotta check yourself. A child whose spirit is untainted that is.
The Jekyll and Hyde concept easily fit anyone who has a public persona and a private face that is completely different from each other. Granted we are all humans and as individuals we are all subject to human behavior but being two faced is a spiritual deformity. Imagine seeing someone with two faces, the gasps, the stares and reaction that will follow. It is usually the same reaction a two faced person will get when they are exposed. Consistency is the key in maintaining a 'one face' personality. I'm not talking about someone being moody sometimes but a pattern of behavior that defines an individual as such. Many people talk a good game but they can't walk the talk or when it comes to bell the cat, they can't back up what they say in a right spirit. The personality manifests itself usually with a defensive, confrontation vibe because both faces are at war to see who will come out on top. Sounds kinda crazy but that's human behavior for you. No wonder the story is told of the man who said the more he gets to know people the more he loves his dog. Empty barrel does make the most noise.
God made us all as unique individuals and framed us with personalities, some of which we inherited from that gene pool that belong to our parents. Some personality traits we develop along the way. We are who we are by nature and nurture and who we are can make us or break us. Who we are should come from that place inside of us where we live- a decent place, a pure place, a genuine place; a place from which to grow. Experiences ground us to become consistent. The lessons taught by life is to help mold us to become mature human beings; a complex process called human development. God expects us to grow as humans. When a child is born they are expected to go through the growth stages. This process shouldn't stop when we become adults. But some people just get stuck in the same space, stagnant. Stagnant is a negative word especially when used to describe this process- stale, dull, stunted etc. "When I was a child I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, now that I am a man/woman I put away childish things." One doesn't have to go to college to grow, it helps but the "school of hard knocks" will definitely force us all to grow up.
The reality of who we are is really wrapped up in this process. It is not so much about the destination, it is about the journey. I met a woman the other day who was having issues with her eighty four year old mother who is on her death bed. I knew God send this woman my way because I was just not in the mood to hear no body else's problems. I had my, "I got my own problem' face on but she just kept on going so I had to give in and just listen. I had to tell her what she probably didn't wanna hear but that was she couldn't change her mom and it was no use trying to change her on her death bed. She said Mom always wanted to be a diva to which I said Mom is dying just let her be! Mom didn't want to change and daughter didn't want to change either. Such a pity! Our real personality cannot come forth unless we yield to the process of growth through change because life has a way of tempering us. At this point one cannot be an imitator or a Jekyll and Hyde but the 'real McCoy' that do not have to pretend for anyone. Being 'for real' in the true sense of the term takes away the shroud of living under a facade that everyone has to dance to the beat of our drum because 'it is all about me!' Being for real means you're comfortable in your own skin and you make others better around you. It doesn't matter if anybody else sees. God sees and that's all that matters. But some people just can't do that. They have to find a way to always make it all about them. However people fail to realize that Someone is always watching- those all seeing eyes who intervene in the affairs of men. It is easy to fake people out but we can't fake God out. Man looks on people's appearances but God looks right at the heart of the matter. There is the saying that goes, "you see a man's face but you can't see his heart. " Thank God that He doesn't judges us the way others do or grant us the judgment that we really deserve, or even the way we judge others mercilessly.
Blessings
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Integrity in Friendship
I heard a basic definition for integrity a while back that says, "who are you when no one else is looking?" However the dictionary definition of 'integrity' is "adherence to moral, soundness of moral character, honesty. One would believe that this is a quality that everybody should have or be born with just because it is linked with morals. But sadly it isn't. Integrity comes naturally for some people because they were raised with this in mind. Having integrity as a part of one's upbringing is when parents hold their children accountable for their actions. Every action has a consequence and it doesn't matter if it is small or great, good or bad, consequence none the less is paramount. That is a life lesson that is deemed essentially as a staple for life. Here's the thing, boundaries create the environment that allows for integrity to become a lifestyle. Having an innate knowledge of this can keep one on the right part. The funny thing is no one can escape consequences even if you think you can get away, the laws of life never change. No one escapes the law of karma, reap what you sow, what goes around comes around, what goes up must come down, yaddi, yaddi, yadda!!
So knowing that this is integrity, who are we when no one is looking? Do we have a public persona or a private self that no one really knows? Integrity speaks of authenticity, a realness that leads always to being true to who we are. Because here's another thing, no one enjoys being around phoniness. It just doesn't hide itself very well no matter how we may try to hide it. Real knows real, spirit knows spirit and I say that because often times I encounter people that we just don't mesh; no particular reason, something I just can't put my finger on. My spirit just couldn't welcome them in even though there maybe a level of cordiality. In those scenarios I never try to force the issue or push a connection because if my connections are not borne of the spirit then these connection are not lasting. Spiritual connections usually manifest themselves for a lifetime and they never succumb to adversities. Even if that person leaves your immediate circle all you have to do is think about them and the phone rings or you can count on hearing from them soon, one way or another. You vibe off each other, a bond that is based in each other's integrity of character. Usually these are friendships of the highest caliber.
So once again who are we when no one else is looking? Is integrity necessary in friendship? Sure it is! The Good Book says in Proverbs, "he who needs friends must first show himself friendly." Everything is open to interpretation and usually if interpretations are not objective, it is usually underlined by some other motive. But without trying to be too deep, this proverb is very simple. It means if you want to have friends, first be one! Friendship is not a word that ought to be taken for granted. Outside of a marriage it is the next best most beautiful connection when it is authentic, one that should be nurtured, cultivated, honored, respected and cherished as a commitment. A friendship void of integrity leads to just about anything, merely acquaintance that can diminish on any given day and offers or lends no priority. It's judgment free, no jealousy, friends don't lie on friends or betray trust, you wish your friends well, you want the best for them and you share their joys and pain. Friends also don't join the 'haters club' that is centered around you and your demise or the fair weather demeanor that goes along with acquaintances.
I have been blessed with some great friends, people who I can be myself around, people who have accepted me for who I am, the bad the good, the indifferent and the ugly, everything that encompasses, me Janet, the woman. These are people who are willing to call me out in love when I need it, chastised when necessary but have my back when I need them to, people who no one can speak ill of me in their presence. With these people I dont have a sense of obligation of fitting into their mode for me, neither do I have to do the same for them. Friendships are more than just acquaintances; it is a cyclical bond of giving and receiving. At the stage I am in my life I truly dont have time for anything less. For when you really know someone in the true meaning of the word "knowing' acceptance becomes synonymous with knowing. I had a district manager when I worked in banking who would use this learning tool with us as managers when we would tweak the rules or didn't follow protocol for someone we knew. She'd say "if you can't go to that person's house at 3 am in the morning and ring the doorbell unannounced and they welcome you in without a problem, then offer you something to eat, then you really don't know them." She couldn't be more right about that and it was great advice especially in our line of work where everybody wanted to be your friend. That was the same piece of advice the tellers got too, "Janet don't know if she can't visit you at 3 in the morning. I always kept my circle of friends small because this way I can manage the level of quality of the friendship. I am more so for quality than quantity. I don't need to know a lot of people because if they cannot give me back the level of loyalty I give them, then that Beyonce's song that is a part of my all girls anthem play-list will suit them very well, "To the left.. to the left"
Who we are shows up in our friendships, that authentic self that reflects in those around us; those who we help to make better and they in turn. My friends triumphs are mine and mine theirs. So if you are surrounded by people and those friendships are not based in authenticity, where you're wasting each other's time just faking the funk, then maybe it's time to revisit, rebuild, redesign, or even a fresh start. But if all else fails you can still break out that Beyonce's song, with fist pumping in the air...."to the left to the left..." because trust me you'll get over it. For every ten not so good friends, you will inherit one true one that is of more value. "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver the other gold."
Sisterly
So knowing that this is integrity, who are we when no one is looking? Do we have a public persona or a private self that no one really knows? Integrity speaks of authenticity, a realness that leads always to being true to who we are. Because here's another thing, no one enjoys being around phoniness. It just doesn't hide itself very well no matter how we may try to hide it. Real knows real, spirit knows spirit and I say that because often times I encounter people that we just don't mesh; no particular reason, something I just can't put my finger on. My spirit just couldn't welcome them in even though there maybe a level of cordiality. In those scenarios I never try to force the issue or push a connection because if my connections are not borne of the spirit then these connection are not lasting. Spiritual connections usually manifest themselves for a lifetime and they never succumb to adversities. Even if that person leaves your immediate circle all you have to do is think about them and the phone rings or you can count on hearing from them soon, one way or another. You vibe off each other, a bond that is based in each other's integrity of character. Usually these are friendships of the highest caliber.
So once again who are we when no one else is looking? Is integrity necessary in friendship? Sure it is! The Good Book says in Proverbs, "he who needs friends must first show himself friendly." Everything is open to interpretation and usually if interpretations are not objective, it is usually underlined by some other motive. But without trying to be too deep, this proverb is very simple. It means if you want to have friends, first be one! Friendship is not a word that ought to be taken for granted. Outside of a marriage it is the next best most beautiful connection when it is authentic, one that should be nurtured, cultivated, honored, respected and cherished as a commitment. A friendship void of integrity leads to just about anything, merely acquaintance that can diminish on any given day and offers or lends no priority. It's judgment free, no jealousy, friends don't lie on friends or betray trust, you wish your friends well, you want the best for them and you share their joys and pain. Friends also don't join the 'haters club' that is centered around you and your demise or the fair weather demeanor that goes along with acquaintances.
I have been blessed with some great friends, people who I can be myself around, people who have accepted me for who I am, the bad the good, the indifferent and the ugly, everything that encompasses, me Janet, the woman. These are people who are willing to call me out in love when I need it, chastised when necessary but have my back when I need them to, people who no one can speak ill of me in their presence. With these people I dont have a sense of obligation of fitting into their mode for me, neither do I have to do the same for them. Friendships are more than just acquaintances; it is a cyclical bond of giving and receiving. At the stage I am in my life I truly dont have time for anything less. For when you really know someone in the true meaning of the word "knowing' acceptance becomes synonymous with knowing. I had a district manager when I worked in banking who would use this learning tool with us as managers when we would tweak the rules or didn't follow protocol for someone we knew. She'd say "if you can't go to that person's house at 3 am in the morning and ring the doorbell unannounced and they welcome you in without a problem, then offer you something to eat, then you really don't know them." She couldn't be more right about that and it was great advice especially in our line of work where everybody wanted to be your friend. That was the same piece of advice the tellers got too, "Janet don't know if she can't visit you at 3 in the morning. I always kept my circle of friends small because this way I can manage the level of quality of the friendship. I am more so for quality than quantity. I don't need to know a lot of people because if they cannot give me back the level of loyalty I give them, then that Beyonce's song that is a part of my all girls anthem play-list will suit them very well, "To the left.. to the left"
Who we are shows up in our friendships, that authentic self that reflects in those around us; those who we help to make better and they in turn. My friends triumphs are mine and mine theirs. So if you are surrounded by people and those friendships are not based in authenticity, where you're wasting each other's time just faking the funk, then maybe it's time to revisit, rebuild, redesign, or even a fresh start. But if all else fails you can still break out that Beyonce's song, with fist pumping in the air...."to the left to the left..." because trust me you'll get over it. For every ten not so good friends, you will inherit one true one that is of more value. "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver the other gold."
Sisterly
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