Family Values- What happen to them!!!

Values- good family values seems to be a thing of the past these days. If you ask a typical teenager or a young child what are their values, they’d look at you as if you just asked them something in Greek. However there are those rare few that know their values because they are being taught them by their parents, grandparents, other family members, mentors or someone of importance in their lives. It doesn’t matter what the basis of these values are whether Christian values or simply moral values based in ethics, values are necessary. When we look around us today it is sad to see that family values are wearing away at the very core. I am not sure what is the reason for this; neither would I be able to pinpoint any one reason. Some people say it is when they removed prayer from school, I dunno but it could be a combination of things.

My generation are people that were raised with values that we got from our parents, grandparents, family members, neighbors, teachers, preachers even. The “whole village concept” was very much working and parents didn’t mind a little help from the neighbors when it came to setting us straight. Nowadays that is foreign to child rearing. Most of my early influences were the women in my life i.e. my grandmother, mother, aunts and teachers. So the woman strength in me is something that has been nurtured. A lot of who I am came from that psychological theory which states we are who we are by nature and nurture. Who I am is because of my DNA and also because of how I was raised. (This also goes for everyone.) I was surrounded by strong women who were hard workers, filled with drive and determination. They were well mannered with self respect and independence prone. They wanted what was best for their children and did the best they knew how. God was first, then family, honesty, integrity, respect, sharing and caring for others. These have become hallmarks of mine, thanks to them; simple things that are forgotten in today’s society. People even seem to shun good manners and sometimes act as if they are being bothered if they have to respond to good morning.

The values I learned are the ones I have passed down to my children. It was also necessary that my life’s partner also shared those values or was even open to them. I cringe sometimes when I hear children speaking to adults and what is even worst the adults just seem to accept the behavior without correcting it. In many instances the children don’t even know better. I would have children come to my home wanting to visit and they think it’s just okay to walk right by me without saying good morning. Not in my home, you’re not! When they are offered food they just take it without saying thanks. After a few times of doing that they catch on to the house rules which are very simple things for children to follow. They are allowed to be free just like my kids but we have boundaries and guidelines that we all have to follow in regards to respecting each other, their bodies and our properties with the use of kind words. The method I find that works best is not to embarrass them but to give them positive feedback in such a way that they will receive it. Funny thing is that these kids still love to come over even with the expectations because after a while they get it. Kids need this to help them become well rounded human beings and anything else is robbing them of this fact.

I know it is hard to juggle family life and work these days. Sometimes the good go out the window because the pressures of life keep us more focused in one direction and that is to keep the material things a priority. After all whose gonna pay the bills. Work takes up a lot of time and those rare days off call for some rest, just to turn around and do it all over again. Sundays used to be a family day, kinda, but many parents work on Sundays too and some quite frankly just can’t be bothered. If it ain’t one thing, it’s another. With that being said the family values tend to slip by. Family traditions too are a thing of the past, like dinner at the dining table as a family. But we have to find or make time to revert to what’s more important; those values that kept many of us on the straight and narrow. Today’s youth need this! Values will keep them in check, values will help them maintain boundaries, values will give them something to aspire to and values will keep them blessed and out of jail. They cannot be responsible for what they don’t know. How can they know unless they are taught? How good would it be if we can revive those values that help to make us who we are? Children who are being taught values can fall prey to those who aren’t and even become victims.

‘Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are’ is something I grew up hearing, ‘birds of a feather flock together’ is another saying that carry with them a lot of importance. When children are raised with values they carry these values everywhere they go especially in the schools where it is so badly needed. Just children simply being nice to each other is so far reaching. It makes you wonder what is really going on in these homes. The generations of biblical days as a perfect example used to set up family altars, set up stones as landmark and the teaching of the scriptures from the Torah. As a nation we need to get back to these ‘sacred places,’ one family unit at a time. It is not about forcing religion on them. That is a choice they have to make for themselves when they are ready. It is simply about giving them a reference point from which they can judge their own actions. This can help our children to become better human beings and worthy members of society.

-->

God’s creation was not complete until He created woman. The Genesis story gives an account of God placing man into a deep sleep and from his side He took a rib to create this masterpiece that He deemed to be good. So how does one measure a woman’s worth in light of this information? A woman’s worth is immeasurable. There is just nothing to stack up that can forgo a woman’s worth. But somehow is seems as if we have lost sight of our value to human life. I am the last person to judge any woman on the issues of morals and values but what I do know is that we have allowed ourselves to become less than what God intended for us to be. We are gifted with special abilities, we can multi task, we can click on all cylinders, we bring a different dynamic to the home, so on and so forth etc.

I am very liberal in my thinking, very outside the box on many issues that would make people cringe especially women’s issues. Honestly what a woman does is her prerogative. Unless we have walked in that woman’s shoes then we really don’t know where they’ve been or what they have gone through. Even then, that doesn’t give anyone the right to judge. We have somehow lost sight of the fact that we are queens and princesses. We haven’t all been treated that way, neither have we acted as such all the time. The highlight of womanhood is the ‘objects’ of varying degrees that we have become. We can’t blame the men for all of this; some of it is our own doing. We have made our self esteem synonymous with other things and if we don’t value our own selves how do we expect anyone else to. Malcolm X in his autobiography said, “how any country’s moral strength or its moral weakness is, is quickly measurable by the street attire and attitude of its women especially its young women. Wherever the spiritual values have been submerged if not destroyed by an emphasis upon the material…..”

So in light of Malcolm’s observation we can see what is occurring in our society today on this issue. Our young women are starting to lose sight of this even at an early age. Middle school girls that can easily pass for adults, with lives that rival any Hollywood madams don’t care that not only are they spoiling their reputations; they are scarring their own souls. Sadly some of them have no one to show them how a young woman who values herself is supposed to carry herself. Their own mothers don’t even know. A lot of them are so much better than what they are right now. But who is gonna tell them that yes, sister girl if you must be a video vixen use it as an opportunity to showcase the gifting that God has placed within you and not without. Have your own standards and demand it! Or use is as a stepping stone maybe to become an actress if you must. There are many ways to get to a destination, some means maybe unconventional. As a woman using one’s brain is so much more gratifying. They don’t really need negative criticisms either. Some of them have already given up on life. Some are forced to take on grown up responsibilities that emotionally they are not ready for. Their thought patterns are warped and some of them are so angry that they are really crying out for help. Studies have shown that young women who are involved in extracurricular activities in school do have a higher self esteem than their peers and will make better choices.

God made all women to be appealing to the eye and some of us have placed our worth on that. Instead we should place more values on the sweet spirit God placed in us, the functionality of our brain power to become all that we can become. We can’t forget the inner beauty that should emanate from within us; beauty that can dispel the notion that we are to be used to just sell cars, or make the latest music video hot! Funny thing is some men always end up choosing a certain type of woman because at the end of the day when the “fellas” get together to talking we know what the conversation sounds like. Of course we know men talk about us and we have been guilty of giving them a mouthful. As women some of us need to step up our game and play our position; the position of royalty God created us for. A queen carries herself with that royal swagger that makes her stand out amongst the crowd, not just because of what she looks like but that something inside her that sets her apart from the rest. She doesn’t have to say a word or do anything. She has ‘presence’ that she exudes and draws others to her because spirit knows spirit. All that we are lies in our own hands and in our own power. I salute my sisterly queens and princesses!!

Dont blame the system- Parents take responsibility for your children!!

As we look around us today on this present generation it makes one's blood curl at some of the things that these young people have gotten themselves into. This is one thing we can all agree on that times have changed drastically. Because of this technological age children have been exposed to so much more earlier, that it is so frightening. My eight year old can correct me with a straight face in sheer childhood innocence about sex education, when I'm trying to dance around the topic because I want to preserve this innocence and let him learn in time about things I didn't know until I was a teen. Yes times have changed, parenting styles have also changed but what has become of good solid values that children are supposed to learn from home. While the era is rapidly becoming more impersonal, we as a nation, as a people and as a generation have lost sight of fundamentals that help to prepare our children for life and to help make them well rounded adults.

Nowadays children are engaging in dangerous activities, including sexual activities especially in schools, ask any teacher, on school buses even in the class room of all places. So many teachers and school personnel depending on the towns or cities they teach are exposed to so much abuse from these kids that it is unbelievable. When a child can look at a teacher or any grown up for that matter and say, "go f*** yourself" or even threaten them with bodily harm, we have to ask these questions, how did we get here and who is to blame. Some people want to blame the "system." What system? The same one that tries to discipline the kids and the same parents jump in and run rough shod over because teachers are messing over their kids? Unfortunately some people don't realize that one can tell a lot about them by simply observing their kids. Some may hate to hear this but it is the God's honest truth.

Children need to be trained to take accountability for their actions. Sadly this is something that most people don't know or want to do. As a society we have been very successful in perpetuating the blame game. That is why the mental health profession is one of the most desired to be in these days. People are now realizing the need to sort out issues that they should have been made to deal with as children because mom and dad dropped the ball, and didn't teach them valuable life lessons. Our parents, God bless them, some of them actually didn't follow this process the best way. Many of them could only do the best they knew how with what limited resources they had or the way they were taught by their parents. Granted some of what they did was done out of ignorance but millions of us have turned out quite well as a result.

I am not an advocate of beating children, although it is a biblical principle. Our children nowadays are way too savvy and sophisticated for them to be treated in this manner. I believe it may have more of a negative effect than anything else on their psyche because of how much they have progressed mentally than we have. But there are still ways to discipline our children that can be effective and help them to understand the values that can take them through life. The jail cells are filled with many angry men and women who are good people, nonetheless but somewhere in their minds they had no concept of knowing certain boundaries. They were also not taught to respect any kind of authority whatsoever. But while they weren't taught none of these principles some of them that is, they weren't even given the type of balance they needed and that's love. Parents of today overcompensate for love with stuff and even when they have to discipline their children they make excuses to them as to why.

I am not one of those people who are against people spoiling your kids, spoil your kids if you want to but make sure they don't have a false sense of reality about this concept. Sometimes you have to say no and make no apologies, be consistent and stand your ground. While you may let them have their own way constantly remind them that the rest of the world will not let them have their own way. As they grow older they will realize how important learning that lesson was. Mom and dad, may put up with the b.s. but the boss wont, the friends wont, the cops definitely wont. That's reality. Life doesn't spin off of Burger King's motto, "Have it your way!" Some parents are raising kids as if they are friends or fans. As I tell mine, "I am not your friend and we can't be friends until you are in your twenties!" I really hate to hear young kids say my mom/dad is my best friend. To which I'd say to that mom or dad, "Really? Get a life!" If that is the case then psychologically something is out of whack. As parents we should seek to have a good relationship with our children, where they will not be afraid to come to us about anything. But for a child to relate on the level of an adult and be a friend to that adult and vice versa shows up many things. Let children be 'besties' with their peers, don't allow them to become premature adults in order for you to relate to them. Neither should you go down to their level to adjust to them. It's one thing to relate to them but another thing to adjust to a child's level. Give them a chance and maintain that parent/child boundary. They need their own friends, its healthy and it should definitely not be you. Because for starters they may feel that they can relate to every adult in the same manner. It may seem like good but it isn't. Studies have shown that well developed children are those who grow with a balanced parent/ peer involvement. The other flip side of that is they'd rather be with their friends than with you as their so called best friend. That is so because it is a natural process for them to want that preference. My kids love me and we can talk about anything, that doesn't make me their best friend. When we go to the mall you'd see how much of a best friend I am. They disappear until it's time to go. They can't be seen in the mall with their mom, are you kidding? At least for boys that is.

Parenting is difficult and their is no cookie cutter way to do it. For many of us it's by trial and error that we learn and continue to learn how to become better parents. We can't always blame the system especially when we know the system is not in favor of some of our children. Kids hate discipline and structure. But they need it. They may not thank you now but when they get older they'll thank you for it. The biblical truth of training up a child in the way that he should go holds true. They can go so far but no further. When I worked in the foster care system, I saw first hand how much this have affected children. It would break my heart just to see these kids who have become a part of a loveless system. Many of them being victims of a generational trend, parents who weren't raised right. Just like the old Jewish proverb that says, "the fathers have eaten sour grapes and have set the children's teeth on edge." So these parents have sealed their children's fate and only a change of fate or faith will cause life to turn out different for many of them. They are not bad kids, I know from dealing with them. Their parents held the missing link.

Growing up is a choice while growing old is not an option they say. Our children can be prepared for both with TLC and discipline. As I tell my kids all the time, "if God didn't have use for parents, you would've came straight from the sky, so trust the process although you may not like it." When your child is wrong call them on it, let them own up when they are wrong and communicate in such a way that they know when they are wrong to say they are sorry. When you are wrong, own up too. I have had to many times eat humble pie and apologize to my kids. It makes them feel valued. It also puts them in a position to not want to disappoint you either. God made them with a conscience too and it is in good working order. Just be the motor that starts that engine. That's why they have us. As my little Ethan says when I ask him, "if all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn bridge, would you jump too?" In his childlike wisdom, he answers, "Only if I have a parachute!" It cracked me up but I got what he said. If he jumps he knows there will be consequences, hence the parachute.

I am by no means raising perfect children and and it truth be told neither are you. But I want to know when I stand before God to give an account for this role, I would from my heart know that I did my job the best I knew how by His grace. So we need to give them a fighting chance to be the best that they can be. The system don't have to put up with them. The teachers don't either. They don't have to make that phone call home either to tell you how your kids are doing. Being married to an educator and a substitute teacher, I know the inside scoop. See, the thing is teachers don't have to put up with our bratty kids, they don't have to argue with them either. They can use that red pen and that grade book to their advantage, and you as a parent cannot prove it. So the system is align for our children to succeed or fail but it begins at home.

How did it get to the place where women became outsiders?

I don't blog as often as I'd love to as is obvious from my blog but on this International Women's Day I have had to ponder this thought. This thought kept tugging at my brain when Kathryn Bigelow became the very first woman in history to win the coveted Oscar's Best Director Award. She was up against her ex-husband the illustrious James Cameron. Though they have been divorced for many years they remain very good friends. Just a couple of thoughts that may just be rhetoric but was the 'directors fraternity' always an all boys club or was it an assumption of women that we weren't allowed in. Because I don't work in that industry I don't have an insider's perspective. Anything I know is based on an assumption or what I have been fed by the media.

However to give the benefit of the doubt to the 'directors fraternity' I think there has been more of an openness to women and our abilities to hold our own in what is considered a man's world in recent years. So Kathryn has now paved the way for many more women who share the same dreams and aspirations she does. I don't know why she and James broke up and frankly it is none of my business but what I do know is that the law of association has worked in both their favor. If this very simple law of nature have always been at work, then why is it that it took so long for this glass ceiling to be broken.

For centuries the sexes have battled as if by some unforeseen force man and woman have been sentenced to work against each other instead of the original intent of complementing each other. Numerous books, articles, movies etc have showed the differences between the sexes and have not exactly emphasized how working together is way better than working against. For those who share the biblical belief system would agree that God created male and female in His own image. This is of itself an enigma. Words would fail me to explain this God given truth. Yes we are different. Studies have shown that out of the 30 thousand genes in the human genome there is a less than 1% variation between the sexes. Only 1%! But in that small variated amount every single cell in the female body is influenced by this. Back in the early 20th century scientists came up with the assumption that women were "small men" except for the difference in the reproductive organs.(Go figure!) Because of this there has been as lot of misgivings about women. That is a small part of the scientific aspect of our differences.

Now the very subtle and sometimes blatant misgivings about women that have always bothered me is the one that derives from that very familiar Garden of Eden scene that changed the course of history and the perception of women based on Eve's encounter with that serpent. I definitely wont give my thoughts and interpretation to this conjunction in history at least not today; it would take more than a blog and way more than my theological background affords me. But what I would say now to cement my point is that God created woman a companion suitable for man. Woman wasn't an afterthought in God's mind. She was the crowning glory to the Father's creation which no body on this planet can deny. Just ask a brother when he sees a well put together woman pass by the emotions that that picture invoke in him. So for this very reason how is it that women have had to endure being on the outside looking in for so long.

So women have had to deal with critical issues throughout generations. A woman was not in control of her destiny and she was defined by her husband's social status. (There is nothing wrong with that if that's what a woman wants.) But women have made strides with some of these critical issues. It was also at the turn of the twentieth century that women suffrage gained popularity. Women were jailed and even killed to gain their rights. It was during this time that feminists movements emerge where women came to the conclusion that it appears that human behavior have created a male dominant society that opened the door to sexism. As women we were made to apologize for our strengths, the very strengths that God created us with to open up a better understanding of both the male and female development. As women we fosters this development emotionally, intellectually, socially and spiritually. In us lie the blueprint of how to raise our sons to be good men who will make somebody's daughter very happy one day and not the contrast of making her life a living hell because he has given in to the thinking that we belong on the outside in a male dominant society. Of course fathers have a role to play in this but a father can not teach a boy how to treat a woman from a woman's perspective.

As women God created us with tremendous unique giftings, inclinations, dispositions and an enormous verbal deftness, an expertise to read expressions, to diffuse conflicts, soothe emotions and to love unconditionally because of our nurturing spirit. All of these and more are wired into a woman's psyche. Stereotypes have a tendency to blow out of proportion the differences between man and woman. Men and women who share the same interests and values will often be seen in a different light because we are members of the opposite sex. This implication could be the reason why expectations are different for both. A perfect example is a strong personality. A woman with a strong personality is considered aggressive while a strong man is acceptably assertive (which we all admire; strong men). But if we can use even these stereotypes to understand the world around us then the created purpose of man and women through the law of association would help us all. We have heard the saying behind every good man there is a good woman, maybe that should be rephrased: beside every good man there is a good woman and beside every good woman stands a good man.

Yes some women may have traditional roles in the home but there is no "lack of fit" where we are concerned outside the home. The man may be the head but he can't move without his neck which his woman should be to him which makes the woman equally important. So our place shouldn't be on the outside looking in, in any sphere of life that we want to make our mark.
Just some food for thought!